“How much harder it is to bear one’s splendour than one’s miseries!”

- Douglas Harding

“Everybody Needs a Coach”

“Everybody needs a coach”—who said this? Was it Bill Gates? Well, there are various ideas about the archetypal people you need in your life: the mentor, the cheerleader, the confidant… and the coach is often one of them. I’m lucky enough to work with a group of health coaches, and earlier this week, I gave a short talk about what they do for a day of healthcare workshops at a local secondary school.

Together, we brainstormed the qualities and skills a coach uses to empower patients to make sustainable lifestyle changes. The youngsters came up with a few excellent suggestions: coaches listen, encourage, and guide. They educate, inform, and compassionately challenge beliefs and behaviours and have patients’ best interests at heart.

But my favourite offering was “They believe in you.” In coaching terms, this is sometimes described as unconditional regard for the person they are coaching.

Unconditional Regard

What is unconditional regard? I understand it as an unwavering belief that anyone can take control of their destiny by making the best decisions for them. It’s trust that someone does not necessarily need to be told what to do but will, with support, access the inner strength and resources to make positive changes through their own volition, ideas, and actions. I believe this is one of the fundamental reasons a coach and coaching can be life-changing (and life-sustaining).

A particular poem keeps popping into my mind when I think about unconditional regard. I’d love to share it with you. It parallels the effects of unconditional regard, a poem about self-love.

As I Began to Love Myself

by Charlie Chaplin

“As I began to love myself

I found that anguish and emotional suffering

are only warning signs that I was living

against my own truth.

Today, I know this is Authenticity.

As I began to love myself

I understood how much it can offend somebody

if I try to force my desires on this person,

even though I knew the time was not right

and the person was not ready for it,

and even though this person was me.

Today, I call this Respect.

As I began to love myself

I stopped craving for a different life,

and I could see that everything

that surrounded me

was inviting me to grow.

Today, I call this Maturity.

As I began to love myself

I understood that at any circumstance,

I am in the right place at the right time,

and everything happens at exactly the right moment.

So I could be calm.

Today I call this Self-Confidence.

As I began to love myself

I quit stealing my own time,

and I stopped designing huge projects

for the future.

Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness,

things I love to do and that make my heart cheer,

and I do them in my own way

and in my own rhythm.

Today I call this Simplicity.

As I began to love myself

I freed myself of anything

that is no good for my health –

food, people, things, situations,

and everything that drew me down

and away from myself.

At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.

Today I know it is Love of Oneself.

As I began to love myself

I quit trying to always be right,

and ever since

I was wrong less of the time.

Today I discovered that is Modesty.

As I began to love myself

I refused to go on living in the past

and worrying about the future.

Now, I only live for the moment,

where everything is happening.

Today I live each day,

day by day,

and I call it Fulfillment.

As I began to love myself

I recognised

that my mind can disturb me

and it can make me sick.

But as I connected it to my heart,

my mind became a valuable ally.

Today, I call this connection Wisdom of the Heart.

We no longer need to fear arguments,

confrontations or any kind of problems

with ourselves or others.

Even stars collide,

and out of their crashing, new worlds are born.

Today, I know: This is Life!”

Positive Esteem

I’m sure that healthy self-esteem is the foundation of all progress (and the health of body, mind, and soul). Without confidence in our capabilities and responsibility to ourselves (even if someone else mirrors that for us for a while), we get stuck on shaky ground.

Perhaps you’ve been fortunate enough to have a coach in your life, formally or informally. Someone who holds you in high regard, no matter what? How does it feel - or might it feel - to have someone trust in your strengths, forgive your mistakes and allow you to be your authentic self?

Having the support of someone in your corner is undoubtedly beneficial. However, it’s intriguing how challenging it is for many of us to have unconditional regard for ourselves, sometimes relying on others (be it coach, mentor, or cheerleader) to provide it by proxy.

Because You’re Worth It

Self-love, self-respect, or healthy self-regard are not egotistical; these are the seeds of good health and physical and mental resilience. From my observations of patients (and myself), I know many of us struggle to demonstrate to ourselves that we are worthy and to act accordingly, and this struggle becomes evident.

Regardless of whether you have a coach, how do you nurture healthy self-regard to build a strong base for health and happiness? Do you surround yourself with positive influences? Do you prioritise sleep or exercise? Do you set boundaries and respect your limitations? Can you say no without guilt? Or, I recommend my current favourite: flick your hair in the mirror, declaring, "You're worth it", a la L'Oreal! (not even kidding).

So self-love isn’t just about indulging in long baths and self-care or practising yoga.

But hey, those things don’t hurt one bit, either.

Let’s practise.