Between stimulus and response, there is a space.

In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom - Victor Frankl

Angry Man

I have a story about an incident recently on the ground floor at the lifts of the block where I live. I’d just returned home with my husband, who was wheeling his bike towards the lift.

As the door slid open, a man carrying a box appeared and made to exit the lift. My husband, who was standing there with a bike, and another chap on the other side of the lift were half blocking his exit, and at that moment, the three of them weren’t sure who should move first, so no one did.

The box-carrying man shouted, “Get out of the way, get out of my way!”. Taken aback by his irritation, the two other men shifted a little in the small space to allow passage. He raised his voice further, “I’m not even joking, you GET OUT OF MY WAY - NOW!!” There was a shuffling of bodies and bikes, and the angry man scurried out onto the street, cursing. His young son followed behind him.

Angry Woman

I couldn’t help myself. I lost it. I instantly hollered after him as he passed me, “You could just ask us to move, you know!” As he continued to walk and curse, under my breath (but not really), I added, “What a bloody **** *** (expletive, expletive).” Other unsavoury words rolled scathingly off my tongue, best not to be repeated here. My husband very sensibly and calmly said, “Just leave it, leave it”, as we entered the lift.

I was fuming. Luckily, I rarely have such crossed interactions. Sure, whilst cycling slowly in town, I’ve shouted at the odd car etc., maybe giving them one or two nonchalant fingers occasionally (sorry, admitting to more bad behaviour here). But I was surprised at how incensed I was. How come this guy was so disproportionately irate? How dare he shout at us three innocents, simply standing there, albeit slightly gormlessly, for the lift. What was his f-ing problem?!

How very satisfying it was to lash out in return. But soon after I got into the flat, as my tomato-red face cooled to a salmon pink, I started to regret what I had said to him (and what was consequently heard by his young shadow who followed behind).

Reaction Vs Response

As I waited for the kettle to boil, I reasoned that maybe that box was exceedingly heavy, he hadn’t slept well, he’d had bad karma with cyclists (!) or that, generally, he’s angry for reasons many and unknown to me. I remembered that anger often masks hidden pain and also that some people just aren’t very nice (a fact of life).

The point of this story is that we both had emotional triggers that set us off instantly. For my part, I was tired and cold from being outside all day - did that have something to do with my reaction?

In this instance, it’s so helpful to realise a difference exists between a reaction and a response. There appears to be no control in reacting, and we ought to forgive ourselves if we do sometimes (we are only human, after all); we are wired for defence and survival. In comparison, the often less regretful response involves helpful components like space, choice and control, which require mindfulness and insight.

The Space Between

Recognising that a space exists between a stimulus and a response can empower us to avoid being reactive. We can hit the brakes before we say hurtful words, throw punches or cause harm. This space between the stimulus and our reaction lets us choose what happens next.

I think the first step in gaining that control is to know it’s there, acknowledge, sense and feel it. Second, to choose to explore this space and spend time in it. We can feel, create and expand this space in simple ways, many of which we learn to practise in Yoga. How?

• We cultivate an observational or witness state without judgement
• We stay with challenging sensations, wait and hold poses even as they stress us until sensations pass and change
• We come back to the breath, the gift that gives us a ready-made way to pause
• We create physical space in the body with Asana, which magically creates space in the mind (all connected, you see)
• Yoga: the ultimate nervous system regulator. We downregulate our baseline state, often highly wired for reactivity.

I’ve learned to be more patient, understanding, and measured through practice. This hot head has cooled considerably, but it doesn’t mean I’m a saint or a pushover. I hope I respond to rudeness, injustice and misunderstanding with greater responsiveness than in years past. Despite the story I tell above, the times I peacefully cycle with a smile now vastly outweigh the number of times I flick hand gestures at passing vehicles, promise!

Another Ending

I rewind that lift scene in my mind. Like freeze motion capture, I imagine the moment he spits out the words and before I spit back. I’m able to freeze the scene as if with a remote control. I pause, I consider, I try to understand and let go. In that space between, I breathe. I watch his emotions arise and quietly observe mine - rising, plateauing, then falling.

The scene unpauses, the man passes, and we slowly enter the lift. I stroke my husband’s arm and say, “Are you ok? What an angry man, eh?” and we leave it there. On this, another day, with a little more pause, mindfulness and an additional breath, I am not incensed. I am not affected. I am not even surprised.

How’s that for a better ending?

And with that contemplation, let’s all spend a little time exploring that helpful space.

Let’s practise.