A student asked his master,

“What’s the difference between liking and loving? 

If you like a flower you simply pluck it, if you love it you water it every day.” 

-   Attrib. to Osho

Wedding Season

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a magical wedding in Tuscany.  It was one of those impossibly beautiful occasions: rolling hills, warm evening light and the impeccably dressed clinking Aperols amongst tall cypress trees.  A fairytale wedding if there ever was one. 

The bride's final words in her vows brought a tear to my eye:

"I promise to keep choosing this life with you — not because it's perfect, but because it's ours."

Weddings always make me reflect on marriage, relationships, and why any of us choose to bind ourselves to another in this most public act of commitment.  

Better Together

I felt so touched by this couple, expressing both romance and realism so beautifully that I was transported back to my younger self and my own wedding day.

When I got married, I understood it as a destination.  You say the words, make emotional promises, mark it with a celebration and look forward to a bright new chapter of togetherness.  The choice to marry wasn’t simply about love but borne of other influences too: this is what love looks like, this is what people do, this is how life is supposed to proceed... Better together, everything will work out just fine.

What I didn't understand was that ‘better together’ is not a guarantee that writes itself, but is made or broken by the choices of the two who create their story.

Love - a Daily Choice

Declaring ‘I do’ on my wedding day felt like a shortcut to happily ever after. I felt the conviction of those simple words, so easy to say. Diligently reciting 'for better, for worse...' I had confidence that I could make good on my promises.

Call me naive, but I had little realisation of what love and partnership takes - for me, for us - the 'I do' was something we’d need to keep saying every day - with nobody there to watch, applaud or take a photo. 

You can be in a marriage and choose to disengage. Present physically, but absent in every other way. 

I've been there, and done that… Yes, I have.  I still do it.

Reflecting on my own choices to at times turn towards my partner, and at times turn away, I’ve learnt this first hand: 

Love is an action, not a feeling.

A repeated choice to lean in rather than withdraw. 

A conscious choice to have a difficult conversation. 

An active choice to be open instead of right.

To keep choosing someone feels like a choice to keep seeing another, and weirdly, yourself. 

Today, my marriage doesn’t feel like the real commitment at all. 

The daily choice does.

Saying I Do

I've found myself asking many people the secret to a happy and enduring relationship. And recall some of the advice I received myself as a newlywed.

Some said kindness is key.  Others said teamwork is important.  Others called for compromise, to think of each other and see the best in each other.  Others warned not to lose ourselves for one another.  The pastor at the recent wedding said, “Keep God always between you, and you will succeed.”  All sound advice.  

The longer I remain in relationship, the less convinced I am that there is a single secret, nor that every relationship will or should endure.  But every time I witness a wedding, I find myself wondering what journey lies ahead for them.  Because the real adventure begins after the first I do.

Nobody has asked me for relationship advice yet - I guess I'm still a novice at 16 years. But if they did, I might offer this: know yourself deeply. And ask - is your partner willing to know themselves too?  From that place, if you both continue to choose each other, do it intentionally every day. 

Say, I do.