I went to an online restorative yoga class with my teacher the other day for the first time in months.

I hadn’t joined a class in ages. When I think about why, I realise I’d been reasoning with myself that I could just do my own practice by myself.  “Light a candle, dim the lights and just get on with it yourself,” was something like my internal monologue as I hovered over the payment button. Hmm.. another thing to pay for, another thing to commit to.

But that particular day, there was a little voice underneath all of that saying,  Just go.  So I did. 

I’ll be honest with you - these past years I’ve been teaching yoga, when I go to a class there’s often a background narrative running - Learn something useful… What can I absorb?.. How can I bring this into my own teaching?

So even when I imagine I’m joining a class just ‘for me’, there’s usually a subtle gripping. A kind of concentration. A focus on getting something out of it.

But this day felt different.

At some point during the class -  maybe it was my teacher’s voice, maybe just the familiarity of the poses or maybe I was simply too tired to try to analyse anything - I stopped trying so hard.

Slowly, I let myself be held in the embrace of the space, the pose, the teacher.

It was only afterwards that I realised how much I’d been holding.

I teach restorative yoga.  I know how to soften. I know how to rest.  Supposedly.   Yet the fact that even my relaxation is something I manage myself and take responsibility for is sometimes problematic. 

I’ll make an admission - I’ve often thought that needing other teachers’ classes meant I wasn’t independent enough in my own practice.  I’d look at yoga teachers whose personal practice seemed more disciplined, more intuitive, and wonder if I should be doing it differently.

But I’m owning this right now -  I LOVE going to someone else’s class.  I build my week around practicing with other teachers, and maybe this is why.

Going to that class reminded me of something so simple.   That going to a yoga class and being guided is not a failure. Only a recognition that I, too, need to be held, just as I hold others. 

And I realised something else.

Maybe this is a much bigger part of why people come to class at all.

Not only to stretch or strengthen or understand a pose better, but to step into a space where they don’t have to decide what comes next. Where they don’t have to manage anything at all for a little while, other than being in the moment and feeling their bodies.  

To relinquish responsibility… to let someone else hold the frame… to surrender... feels like an extraordinary kind of of exhalation.

Are you someone who’s good at holding it together?  Sometimes I wonder how much we are holding without even noticing.

And what might change if, for a moment, we allow ourselves to be held instead.

Let's practice.