“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” - Anonymous

Not good enough

“Could it be that you are good enough?” I first heard this question posed to a patient by a psychiatrist. I didn’t think much of it then, but I remember thinking it was an interesting rhetorical question.

Years later, halfway through my yoga teacher training, I met with my tutor to discuss my progress - which areas I was doing well in, how my personal practice was looking, what I needed to work on, etc. During our meeting, my tutor looked me in the eyes and said, “You know, I get the sense that you think you’re not good enough.” I felt like someone had punched me, as if I’d just been found out. Tears came suddenly, strangely. “Not good enough”. I was sure I’d heard that phrase many times before, but maybe I’d never associated myself with that sentiment until then, at least not consciously.

Intellectually, I have sufficient confidence in my skills and abilities. I reasonably reckon that I’m not a bad teacher, not a bad doctor, and a pretty decent human being. But at that moment, ‘not good enough’ seemed to surface a feeling buried deep into the fabric of my being. Its realness rose up then and exploded in my body like a volcano. I think of it often.

A Therapist Speaks

This year, this idea of ‘not good enough’ has floated up in my awareness again. In India, I was handed a book by a friend called I Am Enough by Marisa Peer. After reading it, I wanted to pass it on, but she wanted it back to give to another friend and reread it herself - I can see why.

As she is known, this author and therapist to the stars explains that not-enoughness is a widespread, deeply engrained self-limiting belief shared by many and the source of much unhappiness and discontent, however much we might materially achieve in our lives. And that if we can shift this belief, we might be able to live and love without limitation or self-sabotage.

Of the many ideas she presents, here are a few suggestions:

- Repeat “I am enough” - write it, speak it, see it everywhere until your inner programming changes - sounds like a beneficial Mantra.

- Praise yourself and accept praise from others - (difficult, that, when self-deprecation - in British quantities - is steamrolled into you from a young age!)

- Take action towards your goals and dreams - Just Do it, as they say.

- Lie, cheat and steal back your inborn confidence - Fake it ’til you make it?

- Repeat the above—a lot.

Problem Programming

The hacks Marisa Peer gives to access our psychological programming are undoubtedly helpful. I’ve grown in confidence (simply by ageing, I think), but subconscious unworthiness is a stubborn stain to shift. It pops up more frequently and unexpectedly than I’d ever realised. I figure it’s why I continue to search for validation, seeking evidence from this and that source, that I’m doing alright. Trying to do better all the time isn’t only driven by positive striving, it seems, but by an enduring sense of inadequacy.

Can I be worthy of love, irrespective of what I achieve, how I look or present myself? Will my students still love me if this blog is too long, boring, and self-indulgent? I do wonder. I wonder if I could be OK with it if they didn’t.

Yoga asks us to explore our inner world beyond the layers of identity we build for ourselves, including what makes us feel worthy or unworthy. Instead, it seeks to access the higher Self, the authentic Self - the part of us free from labels, personality, or ego - a universal, blissful and whole Self - who, yoga argues, is who we really are.

Heart of Recognition

We might remember that the actual purpose of yoga is Moksa or Liberation - transcendence from the sufferings and limitations of human existence. Many yoga schools try to find this freedom by exercising restraint and manipulating the body, mind and breath. We spend much time in yoga trying to quiet and disassociate from the mind by untethering ourselves from its problematic movements.

“Spiritual awakening is like unfollowing who you think you are.” – Frode Gåsland

There is apparently another, potentially less arduous (and very inclusive) way to reach enlightenment, however - the act of recognition. The 1000-year-old spiritual masterpiece of non-dual philosophy by yoga master Ksemaraja, the Pratyabhijna-hrdaya, translates to the ‘Heart of Recognition’. The essence of this philosophy says that rather than divorce ourselves from any part of our experience (including our minds), we can become liberated in an instant by simply recognising the truth of who we are - Universal Consciousness in divine play. Knowing then, that we are complete and entirely enough. And that this spiritual path of discovery, this inner knowing, could take a single moment, many moments or a lifetime to appreciate. Isn’t this a fascinating proposition worth considering?

You Are Enough

May is final exam season at the University where I work. The students flood in, overwhelmed with anxiety and preoccupied with achieving grades, getting the dream job, and fulfilling expectations. I wish they could pause and recognise who they might be beyond the labels to which they attach all their meaning and worth. Indeed, without being as clever, popular or successful as they think they should be - they are enough just as they are.

I sometimes hesitate before I suggest such a radical idea, but I hope that by hearing and affirming it, maybe it’ll spark a small moment of recognition - I look them in the eye and tell them:

YOU ARE ENOUGH. We all are.